I think about whether or not I’m making a huge mistake being in my relationship…every week.
Have I caught your attention?
Yeah? Well, it’s true.
I have massive relationship anxiety.
I’ve told this to my partner a lot and instead of flipping out or taking it personally, he listens to me and calms me down. Then I start thinking, “oh my God why is he so great? It’s annoying. Gotta end it.”
That’s not to say our relationship is perfect. There are a lot of things, big things, that we’ve needed to work on and still are working on.
I want to talk about the thing I am convinced almost everyone feels but is afraid to talk about. What if this isn’t right?
I think people feel this way when they’re in a relationship, engaged and even when they’re married.
Being in my relationship is by far the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done….and I’ve done a solo show before…..talk about vulnerable. Relationships though – they’re messy and uncomfortable. Someone gets to know you better than you know yourself. You don’t know if they’re going to wake up one day, say they met someone else and bounce or if they’re going to say just kidding I don’t love you anymore, or if they’re going to take all your money or realize they’re gay or realize they’re straight or not want to have kids or oh my God I COULD KEEP GOING YA’LL.
In a nutshell – it takes so much trust that needs to accumulate over a long time. At least for me. I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m dating someone I was already friends with for years, and I still didn’t trust him at first. In fact every single person I dated before him, I knew I could never trust – so I pretty much self sabotaged myself because the thought of trusting anyone was pretty terrifying.
And now here I am. 3 and 1/2 years in and I trust him completely. Which. Is. Still. TERRIFYING. UGHHHHHH PEEEOOOPPPLLLEEEEZZZZ.
This has been something I’ve been working on a lot in the past year. Him and I are at the point now where every one asks us when we’re getting married and what our future holds. I’ve asked the same thing to my friends who have been in long term relationships. Being on the other side of that, I gotta say, we have to stop asking that. It’s absolutely meant with the best of intentions. But now that I’m IN it….I take it so much more seriously than I ever thought I would. It’s the biggest decision of your life. I’ve let people asking me this question really throw my anxiety through a loop..when really…it’s a very personal question that has to do with no one but myself and my partner. Timelines mean nothing and the fact that we’re not married yet also means nothing.
There are a lot of things I want to do in my life. Run marathons. Travel to over 20 countries. Live in another city. Create big projects that are meaningful. Write a novel. Take one of those classes where you drink wine and paint sunsets…and, get married. I plan on getting around to all of these things, but don’t ask me when okay?
Here’s the thing friends. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. I know marriage is something I want, but maybe it won’t happen. Maybe we’ll get married and it will fall apart. Maybe we’ll have a kid and not get married. Maybe we’ll move overseas. Maybe we’ll part tomorrow. Maybe we’ll be together forever. I don’t know.
Want to know what I do know? I know that he is the person I want by my side on the very worst days of my life. The day I lose my job, a parent passes, a pet is sick, a world disaster occurs, I get bad news about my health….anything. I know he will be there to hold my head up with his shoulder, make me laugh and take care of me. That I can trust wholeheartedly and not feel terrified. So, whenever I find myself in a state of doubt, I think about that and it has remained tried and true.
A good example: This morning I woke up crying in pain from the worst cramps I’ve ever had in my entire life. He woke up. Jumped right out of bed. Got me advil and held me as I was writhing on the bathroom floor. He held my hands and kept telling me to breathe in and out. He felt my head and asked me if I needed anything. He checked in with me all day and never wavered in his concern and promise to be there for whatever I needed.
Tried and true my friends. Tried and true. We might not know if in the end that’s enough but, it sure is something worth fighting for.
Self care, self flare.